Dear Mrs. X:
In just over a week, you will be my son’s Grade 1 teacher. He isever so excited to be under your tutelage. Why, since the last day ofkindergarten, entering your class was all he could talk about. Hegleefully thrust a piece of paper into my hand on that June afternoon,and said, “Here’s a list of the stuff I need for school next September!”
And I have to admit, I, too, was excited. I’m a school supplies geekfrom way back. And so, in early August, I set out to buy the itemsyou’d listed.
It was on my fourth store that the realization began to sink in.
You’re a crafty bitch, aren’t you?
This list was a thinly disguised test. Could I find the items,exactly as you’d prescribed? Because if not, my son would be That Kid,the one with the Problem Mother, Who Can’t Follow Directions.
For example, the glue sticks you requested. In the 40 gram size.Three of the little buggers. (What kind of massive, sticky projectyou’ve got planned for the first day of school that would require thestudents to bring all this glue, I cannot imagine.) But the 40 gramsize doesn’t come in a convenient 3-pack. The /30 /gram size does. Butclearly, those would be wildly inappropriate. So I got the individuallypriced 40’s, as per your instructions.
Another bit of fun was your request for 2 packs of 8 Crayola crayons(basic colors). The 24 packs, with their 24 /different /colors, satthere, on sale. I could have purchased /three/ of the 24 packs for theprice I had to pay for the 8 packs. (Clearly, you’ll not be teachingthe youngsters any sort of economics lessons this year.) Even thecashier looked at me, as if to say, “Pardon me, ma’am, but are youslow?” as I purchased these non-bargain crayons. But that’s what thelist said. And I was committed to following the list.
But the last item, well, now, you saved your malice up for that one,didn’t you? “8 mm ruled notebooks”, you asked for. Simple enough.Except the standard size is /seven /millimetres. One. Millimetre.Difference. Do you realize, Mrs. X., exactly how infinitesimal thedifference between 7 mm ruling and 8 mm ruling is? Pretty small, Iassure you. The thickness of a fingernail, approximately. But thatmillimetre, that small bit of nothingness, made me drive to fourdifferent stores, over the course of three sweaty August hours. Andwhen I finally, finally found the last remaining 8 mm notebooks, I tookno pleasure in my victory. I merely shifted my focus. To you, Mrs. X.
You wanna dance, lady? Let’s dance.
Because I am just batshit crazy enough to play your games. And, in turn, come up with some of my own.
On show and share day, my son will be bringing the video of his birth. It will be labelled, “Ben’s First Puppy.” Enjoy.
He will be given a list of words, and daily, he will ask you whatthey mean. Words such as, “pedophile”, “anti-semite”, and “skank”. Goodluck with those.
At some point, you will attempt to teach him mathematics. And I’mquite sure that, like most of your ilk, you will require my son to“show his work”. And he will.
Through interpretive dance.
Because that is who you’ve chosen to tangle with, toots. A stay athome mom who is not entirely balanced, and has altogether too much timeon her hands. But is, most certainly, A Mother Who Can FollowDirections.
Sincerely,
Ginny
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