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升级    27.22% - UID
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本帖最后由 sammy1112 于 2010-1-27 11:21 编辑
上次在wowo的“大家都看什么书”一贴里提到自己买了一本幽默书《MORE OF THE WORLD‘S BEST HUMOUR》
还答应名美和wowo找几篇短的笑话与大家一起分享
所以今天来实现这个诺言，以后每周不定期更新一篇，让大家有一个愉快的WEEKDAY
1月27日——《Things That Are Fun To Put In The Microwave》
An egg, in the shell.
Gremlins.
Hamsters.
Marshmallows.
Aluminium foil.
CDs.
Bubble wrap.
Popcorn, without a bag.
Another microwave.
A live lobster.
Emo kids. Or any other depressing youth subculture.
Your bills.
C$-plastic explosives.
Green Canaries.
1月7日——《Diet Rules For Cheaters》
If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
If you drink a Diet Coke with a chocolate bar, the Diet Coke cancels out the calories in the chocolate bar.
When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you don't eat more than they do.
Food ised for medicinal purpose NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
Movie-related foods, (M&Ms, buttered popcorn, etc.) do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel.
Cookie piece contain no fat; the process of breaking causes fat leakage.
Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples, peanut butter on a knife while making a sandwich and ice cream on a spoon while making a sundae.
Foods that have the same colour have the same number of calories. Examples: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and white chocolate. NOTE: Chocolate is a universal colour and may be substituted for any other food colour.
Foods that are frozen have no calories because calories are units of heat. Examples: ice cream, frozen pies, and popsicles.
12月22日——《The Good The Bad And The Ugly》
Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets.
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.
Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You are in them.
Good: You son is finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.
Good: You son is dating someone new.
Bad: It's another man.
Ugly: He is your best friend.
Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ygly: With corrections.
Good: Your daughter got a new job.
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients.
Way ugly: She makes more money than you do.
12月18日——《Ways To Order A Pizza》
If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.
Make up a credit card name. Ask if they accept it.
Terminate the call with: “Remember, we never had this conversation”.
Give them your address, exclaim “Oh, just surprise me!” and hang up.
Answer their questions with questions.
Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.
Ask what the order taker is wearing.
Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.
Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented.
Tell the order taker you’re depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.
Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them at toppings.
Change your accent every three seconds.
Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.
Start your order with “I’d like…” A little later, slap yourself and say “no, I don’t!”
Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sign of relief.
Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.
Imitate the order taker’s voice.
Ask to see a menu.
Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.
Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say “Where was I? Who are you?”
Psychoanalyse the order taker.
Order two toppings, they say, “No, they’ll start fighting”.
Ask if the pizza is organically grown.
Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.
State your order and say that’s as far as this relationship is going to get.
Put them on hold.
Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.
Dance around the word “pizza”. Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say “Please, don’t mention that word”. |
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发表于 2009-12-18 09:10:26
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