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标题: 每周一笑最新更新：1月27日 [打印本页]

作者: sammy1112 时间: 2009-12-18 09:10:26 标题: 每周一笑最新更新：1月27日

本帖最后由 sammy1112 于 2010-1-27 11:21 编辑

上次在wowo的“大家都看什么书”一贴里提到自己买了一本幽默书《MORE OF THE WORLD‘S BEST HUMOUR》
还答应名美和wowo找几篇短的笑话与大家一起分享
所以今天来实现这个诺言，以后每周不定期更新一篇，让大家有一个愉快的WEEKDAY

1月27日——《Things That Are Fun To Put In The Microwave》

An egg, in the shell.
Gremlins.
Hamsters.
Marshmallows.
Aluminium foil.
CDs.
Bubble wrap.
Popcorn, without a bag.
Another microwave.
A live lobster.
Emo kids. Or any other depressing youth subculture.
Your bills.
C$-plastic explosives.
Green Canaries.

1月7日——《Diet Rules For Cheaters》

If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

If you drink a Diet Coke with a chocolate bar, the Diet Coke cancels out the calories in the chocolate bar.

When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you don't eat more than they do.

Food ised for medicinal purpose NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.

If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.

Movie-related foods, (M&Ms, buttered popcorn, etc.) do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel.

Cookie piece contain no fat; the process of breaking causes fat leakage.

Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples, peanut butter on a knife while making a sandwich and ice cream on a spoon while making a sundae.

Foods that have the same colour have the same number of calories. Examples: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and white chocolate. NOTE: Chocolate is a universal colour and may be substituted for any other food colour.

Foods that are frozen have no calories because calories are units of heat. Examples: ice cream, frozen pies, and popsicles.

12月22日——《The Good The Bad And The Ugly》

Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets.
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You are in them.

Good: You son is finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.

Good: You son is dating someone new.
Bad: It's another man.
Ugly: He is your best friend.

Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ygly: With corrections.

Good: Your daughter got a new job.
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients.
Way ugly: She makes more money than you do.

12月18日——《Ways To Order A Pizza》

If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.

Make up a credit card name. Ask if they accept it.

Terminate the call with: “Remember, we never had this conversation”.

Give them your address, exclaim “Oh, just surprise me!” and hang up.

Answer their questions with questions.

Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.

Ask what the order taker is wearing.

Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.

Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented.

Tell the order taker you’re depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.

Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them at toppings.

Change your accent every three seconds.

Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.

Start your order with “I’d like…” A little later, slap yourself and say “no, I don’t!”

Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sign of relief.

Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.

Imitate the order taker’s voice.

Ask to see a menu.

Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.

Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say “Where was I? Who are you?”

Psychoanalyse the order taker.

Order two toppings, they say, “No, they’ll start fighting”.

Ask if the pizza is organically grown.

Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.

State your order and say that’s as far as this relationship is going to get.

Put them on hold.

Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.

Dance around the word “pizza”. Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say “Please, don’t mention that word”.

作者: …卋ルヘ 时间: 2009-12-18 09:10:51

沙发。。。

作者: saintjohn 时间: 2009-12-18 09:35:25

lol..................

作者: sammy1112 时间: 2009-12-18 10:00:39

3# saintjohn

Cheers! My favorate one is "Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sign of relief."

作者: saintjohn 时间: 2009-12-18 10:15:51

3# saintjohn

Cheers! My favorate one is "Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sign of relief."
sammy1112 发表于 2009-12-18 09:00

My Favourite one's:
Start your order with “I’d like…” A little later, slap yourself and say “no, I don’t!”$ x. ?; ~' y. f8 V! w0 v% d E- M

lol

作者: missmia 时间: 2009-12-18 10:23:40

顶猫猫～～～～～

作者: MR2(SW20) 时间: 2009-12-18 11:11:48

poor pizza order taker......

作者: sammy1112 时间: 2009-12-18 11:34:09

6# missmia

谢谢MIA和狗狗 ;lol;

作者: sammy1112 时间: 2009-12-18 11:34:37

7# MR2(SW20)

Piss taking! So English! ;lol;

作者: 霓裳夜色 时间: 2009-12-18 11:42:58

"Give them your address, exclaim “Oh, just surprise me!” and hang up."

下次试试~~

作者: wowo 时间: 2009-12-18 14:07:48

Ask about pizza maintenance and repair. 下次试试这个, 还要装的很正经的样子,不过估计自己先笑啦

作者: saintjohn 时间: 2009-12-18 14:18:15

大学打part time时，工作需要常和一家印度餐馆打交道。时间长了，店里的老板都认识我声音了。
后来自己有时晚上想吃印度菜，打电话点个饭吃。"Hi, can get a butter chicken takeaway" 老板一听到就问 "is that John?"。爆晕.....

有一天晚上，点菜。突发奇想用了很重的印度英语点菜，点到一半，老板突然停下来， "John?"

FK......

作者: love_3_month 时间: 2009-12-18 16:50:41

LOL, good ones

作者: celenachen 时间: 2009-12-18 16:53:50

每周一笑。太少了啊！楼主可否改成‘每小时一笑’;10;

作者: love_3_month 时间: 2009-12-18 16:57:19

名美一笑

作者: 佦尐綠 时间: 2009-12-18 21:35:52

"Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal."
这还行

上次就来了一个中国老头　在麦当劳。
很nb的问　你们卖面条吗

作者: wowo 时间: 2009-12-18 21:53:29

果然够NB的也很有勇气

PS：本贴很有希望成为上班族的幽默贴

作者: ChicagoBulls 时间: 2009-12-18 22:00:42

看见是英文，我差点哭了，能不能为残障人士加个语言线？

作者: wowo 时间: 2009-12-21 14:27:53

I had a very hard time this morning, just read these again, they are helpful to release the presure ...

作者: sammy1112 时间: 2009-12-21 14:34:35

大学打part time时，工作需要常和一家印度餐馆打交道。时间长了，店里的老板都认识我声音了。
后来自己有时晚上想吃印度菜，打电话点个饭吃。"Hi, can get a butter chicken takeaway" 老板一听到就问 "is that J ...
saintjohn 发表于 2009-12-18 14:18

哈哈哈哈！这还真是会让人很郁闷！;titter;

作者: sammy1112 时间: 2009-12-21 14:35:23

果然够NB的也很有勇气

PS：本贴很有希望成为上班族的幽默贴
wowo 发表于 2009-12-18 21:53

连续发几周后我会向版主申精 ;lol;

作者: sammy1112 时间: 2009-12-21 14:37:05

I had a very hard time this morning, just read these again, they are helpful to release the presure ...
wowo 发表于 2009-12-21 14:27

亲爱的，咋了？
I WILL UPDATE THIS WEEK‘S ONE EARLIER JUST FOR YOU AS YOU HAD A HARD MORNING ;kiss;

作者: wowo 时间: 2009-12-21 14:43:31

亲爱的，咋了？
I WILL UPDATE THIS WEEK‘S ONE EARLIER JUST FOR YOU AS YOU HAD A HARD MORNING ;kiss;
sammy1112 发表于 2009-12-21 14:37

Thanks dear, you are so nice.

作者: sammy1112 时间: 2009-12-22 09:07:03

23# wowo

昨天跟你留完言后就巨忙无比，所以今天一早就来更新了
HOPE YOU WILL HAVE A NICE MORNING TODAY！

作者: celenachen 时间: 2009-12-22 09:41:17

一周一笑太少
一小时一笑太多
一天一笑，不多不少刚刚好;loveliness;

作者: saintjohn 时间: 2009-12-22 09:52:21

每周一顶..............

作者: sammy1112 时间: 2009-12-22 11:04:04

谢谢楼上两位捧场 ;biggrin;

作者: wowo 时间: 2009-12-22 22:28:24

23# wowo

昨天跟你留完言后就巨忙无比，所以今天一早就来更新了
HOPE YOU WILL HAVE A NICE MORNING TODAY！
sammy1112 发表于 2009-12-22 09:07

;10; ;10; 你太好了 ;10;
今天我也去忙无比就中午看了两眼
话说怎么越快放假越忙啊

作者: wowo 时间: 2009-12-22 22:30:37

good ones

作者: sammy1112 时间: 2010-1-7 11:14:13

相信大家在圣诞和新年假期都大吃大喝了不少，所以这次更新一篇有关于DIET的笑话

作者: celenachen 时间: 2010-1-7 11:17:30

If you drink a Diet Coke with a chocolate bar, the Diet Coke cancels out the calories in the chocolate bar.
haha
sounds like me;lol;

作者: sammy1112 时间: 2010-1-7 11:32:33

31# celenachen

HaHa! You are such a babe!

Funny enough, I am probably the only person on earth who doesn't like chocolate that much...

作者: wowo 时间: 2010-1-7 13:10:28

;10;;10;;10; thanks for updating it for us;10;;10;

作者: wowo 时间: 2010-1-7 13:15:07

Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples, peanut butter on a knife while making a sandwich and ice cream on a spoon while making a sundae.

..that is why, I always voluntarily help to prepare the food~~~

作者: 霓裳夜色 时间: 2010-1-7 13:28:59

"Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal."
这还行

上次就来了一个中国老头　在麦当劳。
很nb的问　你们卖面条吗
佦尐綠发表于 2009-12-18 21:35

哈哈哈~~~这个经典~~~

作者: 霓裳夜色 时间: 2010-1-7 13:29:34

辛苦MM了~~~，我也来每周一顶~~~~

作者: sammy1112 时间: 2010-1-7 15:53:21

33# wowo

You are welcome sweetie ;kiss;

作者: sammy1112 时间: 2010-1-7 15:54:03

辛苦MM了~~~，我也来每周一顶~~~~
霓裳夜色发表于 2010-1-7 13:29

不辛苦，不辛苦，你们开心，笑了，我就不辛苦了！;lol;

作者: 海陆 时间: 2010-1-7 17:12:43

我也来每周一顶~~~~

作者: 泰迪熊专卖 时间: 2010-1-7 18:12:19

顶一下。。。。。。。没skd了O(∩_∩)O~

作者: sammy1112 时间: 2010-1-7 18:32:13

我也来每周一顶~~~~
海陆发表于 2010-1-7 17:12

3Q 3Q 3Q

作者: wowo 时间: 2010-1-7 23:03:40

亲爱的看着你的这个帖子我的午饭时间变得其乐无穷了~~~

作者: celenachen 时间: 2010-1-14 11:55:54

又想看笑话了

作者: sammy1112 时间: 2010-1-27 11:22:17

43# celenachen

宝贝儿，更新了！

作者: celenachen 时间: 2010-1-27 14:32:45

Marshmallows？
有机会试试这个
应该破坏性不太大哈哈

作者: sammy1112 时间: 2010-1-27 14:54:15

本帖最后由 sammy1112 于 2010-1-27 14:55 编辑

45# celenachen

是哦，棉花糖应该不会有什么破坏力吧？
我最喜欢那个Another microwave
也不知道作者是怎么想出来的，哈哈哈哈！

作者: celenachen 时间: 2010-1-27 15:39:46

一整个的奶油蛋糕放进微波炉烘一下，效果应该也是很奇妙的

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